A mixed up round.

So this round trip took an extra day.  Not because of the weather like in the past.  It was due to having to retake a scan.  I had a scan done in Casper, WY.  The images my Dr. got were out of focus, only in one view, and the place that did the scan didn't even have me take any contrast or dye.  Thier report said that chemo is working.  My Dr. asked me about the pains I was having.  I told him that the pains are getting worse and that eating is getting harder to do.  So he asked me to stay another day to re-take the scan.  I should know more about that tomorrow.  To add insult to injury, I forgot my chemo pump back home.  I had to wait for a guy to bring me a new one.  It took several hours to get to me, and I'm very grateful that he got to me at all.  The folks out of the Rock Springs IV place are just as awesome as those in Huntsman.

I hate not knowing how the tests went.  The waiting sucks major ass.  I know that I will get some news in the next few days.  Is it good or bad or do things look the same?  I thought about what it could mean if the pain is getting worse and eating is getting harder, but what do I do or say when the Dr. says the scans look good?  I've told him my concerns and he said he would look into it.  So at least I won't be in the dark too long.

The money is starting to get low now.  I no longer have medical insurance through BCBS.  All I have to rely on right now is IHS.  Which is helping.  We have to get an OK from them to do anything right now, and I'm sure that one day soon they will say no.  They've said it before.  I have filed for disability (not sure if I qualify).  I will be talking to them again in the near future.  I also have an appointment with my financial counselor through Huntsman tomorrow.  Hopefully things work out.

This round has left me doing a lot of questioning.  Maybe it's the chemo brain effect, maybe not.  WHat I do know is that my body is telling me it hurts.  It sucks to know that I won't be able to do much tomorrow, especially without any pain medication, which I do have.  I have to rely on the stuff just to get dressed and out of bed.  This isn't like dealing with the pain from an injured spine.  I wish that was all I had to deal with, at least I was able to work with that.  Not this shit.  Cancer has changed my life in many ways that I thought it could never do.  I have to depend on others to do things like drive me places, help with household chores, and even remind me to do stuff.  I feel like a worthless prick on the days that I just lay on the couch or in bed and do nothing.  Those days are increasing as well.  When will that end?  I know, when I get passed the cancer bullshit.

On the brighter side of things, I have a good team looking after me, and we are all communicating on the next steps (even though we have to wait for results) to take next time.  So I know that things will workout.  I pray a lot for my family and friends.  I seldom pray for myself, it just kinda feels wrong to do.  I've asked God to do a lot for me in the past.  So I kinda keep it on the down low, since cancer is more important than making it to a fucking movie or living till a cd comes out.  That's the kinda shit I use to ask for.  So yeah, it feels too selfish to ask for a cure to cancer at this point.  Right now the feelings of my family are more important.  So I try to make them laugh, since I already made them cry.  I'm not putting up a front with them, I'm being honest with them.  I just hate to see them cry or suffer.  A quality I wish more people in my life had.  I know some people that put themselves before anybody else.  I wish they could see how that is hurting the ones that love them deeply.  It won't until they walk across a bridge that they will never get to cross again.  By that time it might be too late to fix any problems.  I know a bunch of selfish fuckers too.  Everything they have or do is better then anyone else and there is nothing that anyone can do better then they can.  Well I've got a challenge for them, get cancer fucker and see how you do!  Not that I wish this shit on anyone!  But hey, fuck it, if I can do this and I'm an average guy; then an almighty bastard should cruise through this with no issues.

Sorry for the language tonight.  I'm just a tad bit pissy and yes I have chemo pumping through me right now.  Is that an excuse?  OK, maybe not.  I get it.  Maybe I'm just tired.  Now don't get rude with me on the subject.  That's kinda the point of this blog right?  To tell it like it is.  I'm just trying to share my thoughts and feelings here.  I will say this though; I've heard from people recently, that I haven't heard from in a long time.  I didn't mean that in a bad way.  No!  I mean that in a good way.  We all have our own lifes to live.  Our paths have gone different ways.  So since I started this blog, I have been in contact with people that I normally wouldn't have.  It's kinda nice.

OK my blog is messing up tonight, something about saving to the server.  SO I'm going to end for the night and publish this and see how it goes.  SO if you can't read the last part, then you'll just have to wait until I fix it.  OK here goes......LAST PART!!!!!  LOL.