I stint can't sleep!!!

What a nightmare!  I bet even Freddy Krugger hates stints in the esophagus.  This little bugger has me in so much pain that I can barely stand it.  It toys with me too.  I get to this point when I think I can just fall asleep and then BAH-WAMO!  The chest pains kick into overdrive and my throat starts burning.  I'm even jacked up on morphine and acid reducers.

Think that's bad?  Let me introduce you to an old friend, "The Heave Monster"  You remember that nasty cus don't you?  That feeling you get just before the contents of your guts come out of your mouth with Exorcist intentions.  Yeah!  That bugger.  Well let him hang out with a stint for a while.  WOW!  What a difference that makes.  You have no control over your stomach reflexes or the throat for that matter.  If it wants out it's gonna try, and fail miserably.  It's funny how this works.  You feel like you are about to blow chunks (I'm not talking about the clown either you sick bastards), then...NOTHING!!!  There you are positioned over the porcelain altar and everything is good to flow.  Nope, you feel that rise come up and then what feels like pressure build up and just when you think it's time to explode, it all settles down and just burns the throat and your chest starts to hurt real bad.  You pound on your chest, you jump up and down, you jerk around like a madman, and repeat steps one and two, then you cuss the damn dog for getting under your feet, and you stare at the innocent lady sleeping on the couch with a look that would probably scare the shit out of her if she woke up at that moment.  Then it all settles down and you feel like passing out, but wait there's more!  Just when you are about to fade to black; the hiccups start and the process starts all over again.

That my friends is how it has been all night.  I think I will just sit on the couch and read a Predator book that I picked up and see what happens.  Either I will get pretty far in the book and not remember a damn word of it, or I will remember, or I will fall asleep and deal with the burning throat when I wake up.  Last night I fell asleep on the couch all propped up and suffered when I woke up.  My wife said I looked peaceful and stuff when she got up and went to work.  Maybe that will work again.

This stint thing does have it's benefits though.  I'm not sure what the hell they are yet, but the doctors told me it's the last ditch effort before a feeding tube gets installed.  I haven't eaten anything all day.  I've drank Ensure and other supplemental drinks just to get the protein and vitamins that I need.  So I know that I am not just withering away with hunger pains.  Hell No!  I looked at myself in the mirror the other night in the hotel room, boy don't do that with a full body mirror (unless you're a hot ass model) and expect to see anything good.  I saw a skinny ass person standing in front of me with what looked like skin sucked tight over some bones.  I wonder if they need a toothless zombie on "The Walking Dead" show?  It wouldn't take much to kill it, just let it gum a body and starve.  I guess that wouldn't be active enough for a show.  It would be funny as hell to watch for a minute though.

Damn here we go again,  I'll be back!  Thank the maker for Lysol Click Gels (the toilet bowl cleaner)!  Those little bastards help keep the nasty aroma of the shitter down to a minimum, when you have your face bobbing in and out of the area!  All that heaving and no blood.  A damn good thing if you ask me.  It hurt just as bad as slamming your pinky finger in the car door, or getting your genitalia caught in a zipper.  A sharp quick pain that fades away in a little while and leaves one with a hell of a reminder.  Fold, tuck, shimmy, pull, or whatever you feel like doing just so you don't do that again. Except that I don't know what the hell I'm doing to make this happen.

I know my wife is sleeping good, I wish I could sleep like that.  She fell asleep on the couch and then went to bed and I swear that she damn near didn't miss a beat in the snoring category.  Funny thing about my wife and her snoring.  If she reads this she will probably kick my ass, but it is funny.  One night she fell asleep with a tommy problem.  I swear to you that this actually happened.  I shit you not!  She would snore loudly while inhaling and then when she exhaled, she would give out a little toot and say "cuse me" in a little voice and she repeated that for over an hour with each breathe.  You gotta love a woman that could accomplish making you laugh while she sleeps.  There is a sort of simplicity to life when you experience those moments.  "Snore, fart, cuse me"  Oh my, just thinking about that moment helped with the pain, or maybe it's the morphine.  I know that my wife is struggling with this stuff as well.  She sometimes has to go into another room when she sees me having trouble like what I described earlier.  There is nothing she can do to help or to ease the pain, and she knows it.  It bugs the hell out of her.  I know that it would piss me off, if I were in that situation.  At least at the moment she is not having to deal with it.  I watch her sometimes when she sleeps.  She looks so peaceful and content with the world.  I have no idea how she is dealing with all of this and not blowing up.  I'm not gonna say I'm expecting her to blow up, she has dealt with a lot of shit in her life, and I believe she has the mindframe to pull through this as well.  Don't get me wrong here.  I know that she is venting to someone when I can't hear her.  I would do the same if I were in her shoes.  A person has to vent.  Whatever she is doing, I hope she is able to continue to do it throughout this treatment.

I guess that will do it for the night.  I just had another spell in the throne room and this time I feel really tired.  So I'm going to try and get some sort of rest.  Have a good weekend folks and hopefully I get to see some of you soon.

A mixed up round.

So this round trip took an extra day.  Not because of the weather like in the past.  It was due to having to retake a scan.  I had a scan done in Casper, WY.  The images my Dr. got were out of focus, only in one view, and the place that did the scan didn't even have me take any contrast or dye.  Thier report said that chemo is working.  My Dr. asked me about the pains I was having.  I told him that the pains are getting worse and that eating is getting harder to do.  So he asked me to stay another day to re-take the scan.  I should know more about that tomorrow.  To add insult to injury, I forgot my chemo pump back home.  I had to wait for a guy to bring me a new one.  It took several hours to get to me, and I'm very grateful that he got to me at all.  The folks out of the Rock Springs IV place are just as awesome as those in Huntsman.

I hate not knowing how the tests went.  The waiting sucks major ass.  I know that I will get some news in the next few days.  Is it good or bad or do things look the same?  I thought about what it could mean if the pain is getting worse and eating is getting harder, but what do I do or say when the Dr. says the scans look good?  I've told him my concerns and he said he would look into it.  So at least I won't be in the dark too long.

The money is starting to get low now.  I no longer have medical insurance through BCBS.  All I have to rely on right now is IHS.  Which is helping.  We have to get an OK from them to do anything right now, and I'm sure that one day soon they will say no.  They've said it before.  I have filed for disability (not sure if I qualify).  I will be talking to them again in the near future.  I also have an appointment with my financial counselor through Huntsman tomorrow.  Hopefully things work out.

This round has left me doing a lot of questioning.  Maybe it's the chemo brain effect, maybe not.  WHat I do know is that my body is telling me it hurts.  It sucks to know that I won't be able to do much tomorrow, especially without any pain medication, which I do have.  I have to rely on the stuff just to get dressed and out of bed.  This isn't like dealing with the pain from an injured spine.  I wish that was all I had to deal with, at least I was able to work with that.  Not this shit.  Cancer has changed my life in many ways that I thought it could never do.  I have to depend on others to do things like drive me places, help with household chores, and even remind me to do stuff.  I feel like a worthless prick on the days that I just lay on the couch or in bed and do nothing.  Those days are increasing as well.  When will that end?  I know, when I get passed the cancer bullshit.

On the brighter side of things, I have a good team looking after me, and we are all communicating on the next steps (even though we have to wait for results) to take next time.  So I know that things will workout.  I pray a lot for my family and friends.  I seldom pray for myself, it just kinda feels wrong to do.  I've asked God to do a lot for me in the past.  So I kinda keep it on the down low, since cancer is more important than making it to a fucking movie or living till a cd comes out.  That's the kinda shit I use to ask for.  So yeah, it feels too selfish to ask for a cure to cancer at this point.  Right now the feelings of my family are more important.  So I try to make them laugh, since I already made them cry.  I'm not putting up a front with them, I'm being honest with them.  I just hate to see them cry or suffer.  A quality I wish more people in my life had.  I know some people that put themselves before anybody else.  I wish they could see how that is hurting the ones that love them deeply.  It won't until they walk across a bridge that they will never get to cross again.  By that time it might be too late to fix any problems.  I know a bunch of selfish fuckers too.  Everything they have or do is better then anyone else and there is nothing that anyone can do better then they can.  Well I've got a challenge for them, get cancer fucker and see how you do!  Not that I wish this shit on anyone!  But hey, fuck it, if I can do this and I'm an average guy; then an almighty bastard should cruise through this with no issues.

Sorry for the language tonight.  I'm just a tad bit pissy and yes I have chemo pumping through me right now.  Is that an excuse?  OK, maybe not.  I get it.  Maybe I'm just tired.  Now don't get rude with me on the subject.  That's kinda the point of this blog right?  To tell it like it is.  I'm just trying to share my thoughts and feelings here.  I will say this though; I've heard from people recently, that I haven't heard from in a long time.  I didn't mean that in a bad way.  No!  I mean that in a good way.  We all have our own lifes to live.  Our paths have gone different ways.  So since I started this blog, I have been in contact with people that I normally wouldn't have.  It's kinda nice.

OK my blog is messing up tonight, something about saving to the server.  SO I'm going to end for the night and publish this and see how it goes.  SO if you can't read the last part, then you'll just have to wait until I fix it.  OK here goes......LAST PART!!!!!  LOL.

What a day!

Me recently

As you can see there is a new look to this blog.  It is just one of the few things that I have been doing, since I can't sleep.  Today has been a very rough day.  It started out OK, but before lunch it got bad.  I don't know why but it did.  Well I guess this post will cover two days, since it is now almost 3am.

Since yesterday my gut has been hurting, like really fucking bad!  Sorry for the cussing but sometimes when I write I get into the flow and I really don't feel like editing out the foul language.  If it offends you...well then all I can say is I'm sorry, but you might want to get use to it, or simply stop following this blog.  As you might be able to tell, I'm not in the cheeriest mood right now.  Maybe some of you can relate or maybe you understand.  At any point, right now I just need to spill the beans as they fall.  I will try to keep the cussing down to a minimum but like I said before, if the flow is running then my foul mouth will not be censored.  So with that said let's move on the reason for writing tonight.  Well maybe just one other disclaimer before we begin, right now it is early (like I said before its 3am) so if something doesn't make any sense just bear with me.  I'm tired and my brain seems to be wondering...

So when the pain started this morning (yesterday), I got on the couch and laid there for what seemed to be hours.  It was really only twenty minutes.  As I was laying there all I could think about was how this pain was messing up my plans for the day.  What I had intended to do wouldn't come to light at all.  A first for me since I've been home.  Some days the pain got bad, but it went away or at least died down.  It started after trying to eat.  Man my chest felt like an alien was burst out of it.  I wondered if Ripley could give me some advice on the matter, so I got up and tried to find one of the "Alien" movies.  No such luck, at least for several hours.  I realized that Steven had taken those movies to his room to watch.  He loves those movies.  I didn't feel like sitting in his room going through his shelves just to find a movie.  So I did the next best thing and put on Netflix.  I started to watch a show about outdoor adventures.  That seemed to help.  It took my mind off of laying on the couch in pain.  Although the pain was still there and it hurt like hell to move, I was able to enjoy watching the two hosts walk around the wilderness.  It got me thinking about the hiking trip I took last year.  I went camping with Steve and John at Atlantic Lake.  We had a good time fishing and hiking.

Windy Lake; above Lander, Wyoming

 This picture was taken on day two.  It is the outlet of Windy Lake.  I tried to find a different picture, but they seem to be on the house PC.  Since I do all my writing on my laptop, not all of my pictures are available right now.  Anyways, on that trip we caught some Golden Trout.  Which is funny, because as John told me that Goldens aren't a trout but rather a Char.  At least that's what I think he said.  If I'm wrong let me know.  It will give me something to tease John about.  We had a good time.  This year the hike wasn't as bad as the trip before (2014 or 2013).  That trip sucked major ass.  We made the four mile hike in full on fishing gear.  Waders, water shoes, tackle vests, and water bottles in our packs.  Man that hike seemed to take forever.  Not to mention that I was still having neck and back issues.

  ***Now a message from our Sponsor***  COFFEE BREAK!!!  What a Fuck-Tard!  I just tried to stir my coffee, sugar, and creamer before adding the coffee!!!

This trip found me in better spirits, because I had the surgery done the November before.  I'm not sure exactly when we went on our trip (August or September 2015).  I think it was close to hunting season though.  So I was in better shape then the trip before.  We each had our own tents and our own water pumps and Jet Boils and we shared some food.  Of Course we did dine on the fish we had caught in Atlantic Lake.  Here is a kind of panoramic shot of Windy Lake.

South Windy Lake

North Windy Lake

Middle Windy Lake

 OK, I had to find these pictures.  They were on Facebook.  That lake lived up to it's name.  It was windy as hell up there and watching John and Steve fly fish it was fun.  They did catch fish though.  Well we didn't catch very many fish, but we did catch fish, all Goldens too.  Our buddy Josh missed out.  Maybe next year (or hell even better, this year) we can convince Josh to come back from Montana for a camping trip.

So back to my day.  I know, bummer right?  The day found me in a lot of pain and on the couch.  There was very little I could do.  I didn't even want to play a video game.  Shocker there!  I mean it took everything I had just to run a TV remote with one hand.  The other hand was on a pillow holding it next to my guts.  It helps somewhat but not enough to say it went away.  Of course I took my medications.  That just added to the feeling like shit part of it.  The meds do make the pain tolerable for the most part, yet again, this time it's getting worse.  It is to be expected, or so my doctors say.  That's why they put me on pain meds.  "You have to try to live life comfortably Kurth, and try not to tough it out."  My Doctors tell me almost every time I see them.  I don't like being high!  What! Did Kurth Warren just say that!  No, not that former POT-HEAD!  Yes indeed you mother.....OK I'll censor that.  I stopped smoking pot years ago.  I had the desire to hold a job over getting stoned.  Now I don't even want to smoke weed.  Not even if the Doctors tell me it's OK.  Which they have by the way).  Well not smoke it but rather a pill.  So there I was on the couch and my outdoor adventure show was over.  My dog Bodhi had climbed up on the couch with me and I had lost the remote, so I

Bodhi on his favorite spot on the couch.

just let the TV play what was ever next in line.  Why Netflix went from a outdoor show to a dinosaur documentary was beyond me.  I didn't have any documentary on my playlist.  Although after watching "Dinosaur 13"  I might.  It was interesting enough for me to keep watching it, even after Bodhi got up and I found the remote.  How that little guy can get around is beyond me.  He is almost completely blind (poor Bodhi).  Bodhi has been my Pal that is for sure.  He knows something is wrong with me.  He is always at my side or under my feet.  So when I'm home, I'm never alone.  If it wasn't for him, I would have gone mad weeks ago.  If you have been looking at the picture of Bodhi then you might have noticed the white legs.  If you have been following me or if you know me, then you probably know what that is.  If not, then let me fill you in.  It's a Stormtrooper!  Darth Vader is on the other side of the TV.  I'll take a picture of them tomorrow, no wait, next week.  We are sending the TV back to the store.  I can't afford it anymore.  So we decided to reduce our monthly payments.  We have two other Wide Screen TVs so it's not a big deal.  I do miss having the money to buy whatever I wanted to.  But that's life.  You spend money when you have it, and don't spend it when you're as broke as...  No need to go there, just yet.  We aren't actually hurting financially yet.  That will be next month though I'm afraid.  It really does suck not working.  I wish that I could go to work.  At least then I wouldn't be freaking out about the bills.  Like I said, we are OK for now.  I know that will change very soon.  I lost my insurance, since I had it through work.  I'm happy the tribes are paying for my treatment for the next few visits.  How long that will last who knows.  Hopefully it lasts until the disability stuff kicks in.  Man I'm still not use to saying that.

Anyway!  It's past 4am now.  I'm still not tired!  So I think I'm going to end this post.  I will continue to mess with the blog site stuff, so come back and see what's new.  I'm still working on a page for the story for this blog.  So far it doesn't look good.  I might have to place the story on the main page, which could get confusing, by getting mixed up with the regular posts.  I will find out if the chemo is working or not on Monday.  Maybe I'll write to you guys while I'm there.  It all depends on how I feel and stuff.  Speaking of...  If you guys are ever in Salt Lake City on a Monday let me know.  I'm there every other Monday.  I can have visitors as long as you are not ill.  I'm sure Raenae could use some company.  She gets bored sitting there.  I tend to send her on a goose chase in the city, just to give her something to do.  She has been a trooper.  So again, if you guys see her in town, stop and say hello to her and ask her how she is doing.  She could use a pick me up or a complement from someone other than me.  For that matter, so could my family; Earl, Linda, Kari, Chelsie, Kaleb, Mason, Gracie, Bobby, Tyler, Shelby (Jayce), Steven, Mary, Steve and of course Molly and Bodhi.  They all have been worried about me.  I hope that those of you that are praying for me are praying for them as well.  I believe that they could use it.  I know it must be hard for them.  My nephew Mason asked me if the cancer was what was hurting me while we were hunting this past fall.  I told him it was.  That kid cracks me up, but makes one think too.  He said, "I fucking hate cancer."  He is only 12 years old.  I asked him why he said that.  He told me why he hates cancer.  To think that a kid that young has been affected by cancer in the way he has is remarkable.  He understands what it is and what it can do.  I may not be his favorite uncle, but I am his uncle and he loves me.  That much he tells me when I see him.  OK, I've blabbed long enough.  So until our next meeting...

Take care and I hope that you guys have a good weekend.